Motherhood is a beautiful crazy ride

Each stripe holds a memory, a tear, a laugh.  Each stripe is a symbol of the crazy cravings and the dates with the toilet. Each stripe reminds me of my inner courage and strength I didn't know I had till January 16th. A stripe for every breathe you took. A stripe for every dream you dreamed inside me.  It isn't very pretty anymore. Some may say it's ugly. That's okay.  It was your home. It was where I grew to love you.  Body image. Excepting the mommy body. Creating a better healthier version of yourself not the pre baby kind. Is it even possible? I think so. Just like everything else, it comes from within.  I've struggle with my body all my life. Looking back what I wouldn't do to have my high school body but this body has seen many miles and still has tons of life! This body was a home to a beautiful baby girl. My saggy stretched belly filled with tiger stripes has hidden beauty I know some women would die to have. Just one stripe.  What's my next chapter?

Oh life after baby. There can be a billion YouTube videos, books falling of the shelf but nothing will compare to hands on baby.  Life after breastfeeding! It's strange. At times I look at Joel and feel like I should be doing something. Pumping, washing pumping parts, getting my pump bag for the next day. Extra time. It's odd. It's bittersweet nice.  Funny when you "let go" how much weight is lifted. Coming to terms and making the hardest decision was secretly the best decision for my family, for my health, for me. I rarely like to put myself before others but I knew this was something I needed to do, on my terms. I remember a good friend saying with love "that's all you get?" "I didn't realize". I thought that was the only way. I'm A's mom, I'm suppose to provide for her. But you can't measure  your love in ounces.   You measure by a clean baby, a full belly and laughter that fills the house! Oh how I live for the laugh

For the last six months never once have I said "I'm proud". Tonight I'm screaming it from the mountain tops. For nine months I read breastfeeding books, articles, tips. I felt like I knew what I was doing before our first latch. I had the birth I wanted. The latch I waited for. Then life of raising a newborn happened. If you've been following you know our struggles, our successes, our bittersweet moments.  Tonight I saw my daughter chow down on a Milksicle and I wanted to cry tears of joy. She was so excited, satisfied. I missed her "breastfeed" face but as I was getting ready for bed I thought has her "face" really changed. She's growing. Laughing. Scooting. Cooing. Hitting all her development stages. I will be the first to admit nine months away I would of judged a mom shaking a bottle...fast forward it makes me sad. How dare I. Maybe that momma had the same struggles as me. Maybe she couldn't even produce 10ml's. So to those Momm

When I threw my rock at The Climb, I knew it was going to take a lot more than just throwing a rock into the water. It was going to take hard work, blood, sweat and tears. The sad truth, it's time to let breastfeeding go. It has fueled sadness, anger, happiness. What I wouldn't do to go back to waking up every two hours nursing her. To feel that successful latch again. But that is not where we are anymore and that is okay too. So to the Mommas that miss that latch, I support you. To the Mommas pumping every two hours to only get 5 ML, I support you. To the Mommas crying as they make a formula bottle (many Harvard graduates were formula fed babies), I support you. To the Mommas that "need" their body back, I support you.    The one thing I take away from all this is the experience. It's been a painful joy and I wouldn't change any minute of it. To my pumpling , momma thanks you baby girl. Next Thursday will mark our six month breastfeeding journey. I reached tw

It's a quiet morning. Breeze coming through. House making its normal noises. Jumping at the drops of the ice trying not to wake the snoring beast on my chest. Phones at 17%. We are due to leave for Lansing in two hours.  A rush of warmth comes over me and I flash back to January 16th, 12:31am.  A rush of warmth came over me and as I walked to the bathroom my water broke and I knew it's game time. I put my game face on and went in to wake Joel up. Got dressed and went in to wake up my parents. The look on my moms face will never leave my memory. She was so happy. Giving me a hug as we walked out the door. January 16, 2015 at 12:29pm Annabelle Rose made her grand enterance into the world. At 12pm in tears I look at Joel after two hours of pushing. I could slowly fell my body shutting down. "I can't, I can't do this" "I just can't take this anymore"- "Lauren Push! You got this..you can do this!". From day one Joel stood by my side. He came

(To some this photo would just be 4 ounces of Breastmilk but to me it shows my lazy breast is now just 10 ML shy of the other so under suppliers DON'T give up!!! With dedication anything is possible!)  A week ago I was hooked up to my trusty pump around the clock. A's going through her fourth month growth spurt following her tongue tie clip. All I wanted her to do was latch and all she wanted to eat. Due to A's TT my supply tanked! Along with my D-MER it was best to put nursing on pause. We are now up to one nurse a day. Nighttime comfort nursing. Following her WC, our LC thought it was best we supplement. We were able to get her weight up but than she plateau and my body is having a hard time producing more than 22 ounces a day and she needs 27-29 ounces a day. Joel's been in Dearborn finishing up his last week of training so luckily I had my mom to hold my hand. Each step closer to the cashier the hard it was to keep myself together. Crying over a can of formula. Is t

Oh my precious baby girl. Just as soon as I think we have it worked out something else gets thrown into the mix. You continue to push and test every fiber in my body. I think I beat Annabelle on who could cry harder tonight. We are going through our four month growth spurt. I've been pumping every hour and half with little output. Friday we went to Ann Arbor and got her tongue tie clipped. She latched right away! First time in two weeks. When we got home we followed it up with a full nurse! She hasn't been able to empty my breast in a very long time! Baby steps. Rest of the weekend she's been running the show and I've been pumping. We had to get into our donor stash. Our liquid gold is quickly disappearing. Every drop of donor is worth millions!  More stressiors have entered into the mix questioning can I continue to EP and work. Finding the time to really sit down and pump is taking longer and longer. 30 mins each session is harder to find. Trying to cut finances wher

The hardest decisions are the ones you don't want to make. It's important to continue to remind yourself this is bigger than you and you have to think about the little human that's depending on you. You have to put your feelings aside and look at the bigger picture to see what's more important. My D-MER spells the last 72 hours have been horrible. On top of other stressors...aren't making matters easier! Annabelle's been on strike since returning to work and her high pallet isn't helping; resulting in dropping weight. I just had this feeling that we need to schedule a weight check and I'm so glad I did. All this has taken its toll. Last night after a spell I had to put Annabelle down and realize it's time to make the toughest decision yet! It's not fair to her and it's not fair to me. I will now be pumping exclusively. We have to supplement to get her calorie intake up . I've always been a planner but it's important to Annabelle that

I wonder when the day will come and D-MER will be a thing in the past. Having to up our nursing sessions and pumping the last 24 hours..I can't imagine going 48 more hours like this! Sitting in Annabelle's room trying to squeeze out one last ounce, I am over come with so many emotions- anger, anxiety, fear, saddness. I find myself ripping my pump off and crying as my mind drifts into another world. A world of negativity. Supplementing is a bad dream that I'm scared will  shortly become real life. Oh how it would just be easier to have my body back. Just to shake up a bottle of formula. Annabelle dropped weight and we need to get her up quickly. Resulting in a nurse vacation this weekend. Nursing pumping nursing pumping over and over. If we didn't have visitors this weekend I would probably be walking around topless. Some choose not to nurse, some don't have luck and others are not able to and by know means am I bashing those Mommas  but for Joel and I this is what w

After one of my most stressful D-MER spells in weeks ...I'm staying up late baking cookies. My "morning" self will hate me but my "me" self is loving it! Cheap therapy!  Poor Annabelle. She means no harm. This little human is just fussy, hungry and doesn't understand why her mommy is in tears and her body is tense. Tears in my eyes looking down at my sweet baby girl,  trying to tell myself "breathe Lauren it's almost over" but it never ended. Milk kept coming down and emotions continued to flood my mind. Alone, staying focus on the end. Finally the end came and this sweet innocent baby is asleep on my chest. Then the guilt starts pouring in. Calling Joel freaking out. My endless thoughts that just flooded my mind. It's all clear now. The storm cleared and everything is calm again. How my body can do all this is besides me! Daily I look in the mirror and my body continues to surprise me! Our bodies are capable of so much and we never give t

Oh man! Talk about a crazy case of the Mondays. Last week I returned to work and ended my first week back with Annabelle looking up at me after nursing with a big smile, couldn't be happier. It hasn't been easy returning to work. Wondering if I'm doing the right thing. My mom is team awesome and has been coming into town Sunday- Thursday. Knowing Annabelle's in good loving hands has made it easier...until today.  It was one thing after another today. Took every bone in my body to keep my head above water but I know at the end of the week we get to have three days together. As much as it kills me it makes our time together worth a million bucks.  Two months ago we were getting ready for our first night has a family. I can't believe Annabelle is already two months today! She has made me a better person, wife, daughter, friend, sister. I've been pushed to my limits, mentally and physically. When my water broke I was flooded with so many emotions. I couldn't thi

How do I not let something consume me. I didn't realize how bad my D-MER was until today. It rid it's ugly head again and again and again. My milk was continue to letdown many times while shopping and trying to get the house together so we could go get our new mattress. I couldn't let go. It's embrassing. I felt like a kid. Getting mad because joel was doing this or that. Or getting mad because the wash cycle wasn't complete, things totally out of my contol. Anger just filled me and now looking back I'm so exhausted. Nursing surprisily was the one time I felt at peace in the last few hours. Knowing tomorrow is just hours away, I'm not ready to go back to work. Anixety has hit its all time max. Joel was trying to be nothing but supportive but it was like for the first time I turned into this whole other person. D-MER is still so new and although people are open to talk about it there's not that much support. I think my next order of business today is tryi

Whoever thought of daylight savings wasn't thinking of newborns. This should be interesting on top of a growth spurt but this mama isn't complaining. Extra cuddles is just what this mama needs!  My maternity leave is going to an end! Monday I go back to work and then this all gets even more real. Where there is a will, there is a way! The last few weeks we've been battling D-MER and I am so happy I feel atleast one let down a day :) with no negative feelings following! One let down, down  and many more to come! I never thought I would be so excited over something like this. I've always been one to keep thoughts and feelings in. And then when shit hits the fan is when I voice all my thoughts and fears. But this time I told myself that, that's not allowed. I need to ask for support and voice my fears whenever I feel them. And I did just that. I was so worried people were going to judge. D-MER is still so new that not that many know about it. They give you the sideway

The other day I was faced with bottle feeding Annabelle at home and not in the community but what followed I didn't see coming. The following feeding when nursing, she looked up at me with her big beautiful sparkling blue eyes; I cried. She was satisfied. Something she doesn't receive with the bottle. When I return back to work I plan on pumping but nursing at night. This skin crawling feeling has taken ahold of me but when faced with decisions, I never take a decisions lightly.  So like most I went to the Internet, Google and facebook. To know this feeling has a name, D-MER (dysphoric milk ejection reflex: a condition affecting lacating women that is characterized by an abrupt dysphoric or negative emotions) and arousal. Although there is no pleasure with a soft latch, our bodies do crazy things even when we tell it not to. I was embarrassed at first but then I realized why am I embarrassed?!. With that led me to "my daughter is sucking on my nipple". It never weirde

I've been battling this decision for weeks. I want to provide all I can for Annabelle and give her all the best. Since ruling out a tonge tie we've been seeing a chiropractor. Her latches were getting better but the last few days her latches have just been getting lazier and lazier. I know she is going through a growth spurt and wanting to nurse every hour but this skin crawling feeling is making it a miserable time for us both. She just looks at me with her sparkling big blue eyes and I just cry. I want to continue this bond, relationship but my body physically can't take it. My skin is just so tender from my raynauds that I honestly don't think it's her, I think it's me  and that's what makes it so much harder for me. I never wanted my illness to effect her and I believe it is starting to. How do you tell myself "you've done all you can" and not beat myself up?!. There's so many benefits with breastfeeding but EP and not EBF...I don't

Yesterday Miss Annabelle turned one month! I can't believe it! With all the stressful-sleepless nights mixed in with beautiful snuggles. She's starting to be so alert. Loves staring at the ceiling fan in the living room. Kindermusik was a success yesterday! She didn't eat the whole time this time so we were able to participate more. I'm definitely getting sad knowing my Maternity leave is coming to a end soon. We go in for her one month check tomorrow. Can't wait to see how much Dino weights!  With Annabelle's one month comes one month of breastfeeding. This mama has "Iron Boobies"! This first month hasn't been easy with her lazy latch, sometimes no latch at all but we didn't give up on our hardest day and it's only up from here!  Auntie Kim and Uncle Chris is coming into town late Thursday! I can't wait to see my sibs!!! Being in three different states hasn't been easy but through this pregnancy and now, makes me really miss them m

Three years ago Joel and I set out on a new journey. Now three years later it's 10:15pm and I'm snuggling the most precious gift on earth!  As Annabelle is sleeping on my chest I can't help but think back to my childhood. Everybody that came and gone. Who made major impacts. From my church family to my Huntington family. To my parents support system. All my mistakes that helped formed me into the adult I am today- wonder what mistakes Miss Annabelle will make :). With each mistake was followed by a lesson learned and each accomplishment was followed by a memorable moment. Today my parents babysat Annabelle so Joel and I could go on a date. It ended with a painful pumping session! Now I know why people buy car adapters and pump while they are out. We went to Art Bayou in Kalamazoo, had dinner at OP and saw Kingsmen. All around it was a great day! I painted a Jar mug. I was going to make a mommy mug but a Subshine mug felt more fiting. Joel and I always sing "you are my

I may be a little late but this video just came across my newsfeed today and I just love it! Take a second and watch it for yourself : https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Me9yrREXOj4 The beauty of parenting is being able to find what works best for you and your family. I'm learning it takes trial and error. I think at times we all get so wrapped in what we believe to be parenting, we lose sight in whats and think it's whats best for everyone. Just like some cloth-some disposable. Some nurse-others use formula. Some babywear- others carry. I think you get the point and where I'm going with this. What's most important is always putting your kiddo/kiddos needs first. Doing what's best for your family and not what's best for the outside world. I think that's what I'm enjoying so much about motherhood so far. But know matter what you believe it's important to remember we're all on the same side. Judgement only ends one way.   Yesterday Annabelle