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The raw truth of Nursing

The other day I was faced with bottle feeding Annabelle at home and not in the community but what followed I didn't see coming. The following feeding when nursing, she looked up at me with her big beautiful sparkling blue eyes; I cried. She was satisfied. Something she doesn't receive with the bottle. When I return back to work I plan on pumping but nursing at night. This skin crawling feeling has taken ahold of me but when faced with decisions, I never take a decisions lightly. 

So like most I went to the Internet, Google and facebook. To know this feeling has a name, D-MER (dysphoric milk ejection reflex: a condition affecting lacating women that is characterized by an abrupt dysphoric or negative emotions) and arousal. Although there is no pleasure with a soft latch, our bodies do crazy things even when we tell it not to. I was embarrassed at first but then I realized why am I embarrassed?!. With that led me to "my daughter is sucking on my nipple". It never weirded me out before but when this annoying emotion comes over me that's all I can think about. Like birth our bodies are capable of so much more than what we give them credit for.  Breastfeeding requires our inner courage.  Mothers beat themselves up over and over, wanting to provide the best. Over the last week I've beaten myself up over something I have no control over and will continue to have no control over but the one thing I know is that this won't win. I won't have a bond with my pump but with my Daughter.

I know this is raw and may offend some but it's something no one warned me about with breastfeeding. I was warned my boobs will never be the same but no one warned me how breastfeeding with effect your emotionally and mentally. And that is why I wrote this. Half because I need to process and the other half because once I read stories of other women in my same shoes it felt nice know I'm not alone. Plus it's my blog :) I get to write whatever I want


I can't believe I go back to work in one short week. We have started a routine. Play time with toddler tunes playing in the  background is now my favorite time of the day. 

This blog started has a blog to document our first year of cloth but I think I am going to turn it into a year of nursing also. Document our latches, our bond, our journey as we over come the skin crawling feeling. 

Let's do this! They say the first three weeks are the hardest. After six weeks it gets easier. Guess we'll find out :) 


XoXo

 

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