It's a quiet morning. Breeze coming through. House making its normal noises. Jumping at the drops of the ice trying not to wake the snoring beast on my chest. Phones at 17%. We are due to leave for Lansing in two hours.
A rush of warmth comes over me and I flash back to January 16th, 12:31am. A rush of warmth came over me and as I walked to the bathroom my water broke and I knew it's game time. I put my game face on and went in to wake Joel up. Got dressed and went in to wake up my parents. The look on my moms face will never leave my memory. She was so happy. Giving me a hug as we walked out the door. January 16, 2015 at 12:29pm Annabelle Rose made her grand enterance into the world. At 12pm in tears I look at Joel after two hours of pushing. I could slowly fell my body shutting down. "I can't, I can't do this" "I just can't take this anymore"- "Lauren Push! You got this..you can do this!". From day one Joel stood by my side. He came into my life at the perfect moment. Like a storybook ending. Saving the day in his shiny Prince Charming armor. I needed him more than he needed me. I remember smelling a fresh breeze, just pure and clean. And before I knew it I was pushing back to back to back. Soon the ring of fire became numb and there was this body laying on my chest. I did it. I stuck to my goal. Bath, IV pain meds for contractions and breathing. Rush of emotions, crying, in shock I just came birth to this beautiful baby girl. An hour later we were nursing champs. Leaving the hospital fighting the baby blues. Soon the blues turned into D-Mer that turned into sadness that turned into guilt then anger. Harming Annabelle, myself, Joel was never a thought in my mind so I never once thought PPD or aneixty. I wasn't the "textbook" definition. I loved Annabelle. Holding her. Being around her. Smelling her baby smells. Hearing her little noises that just made the milk rush. Then one day it all just rushed through me like the bad IV drip. I was mad, my chest was collapsing, all I wanted to do was wake Annabelle and run. Why all off sudden was I turning my ugly angry monster onto my Prince Charming. Saying hateful words not even blinking an eye. Annabelle was sleeping and all I wanted to do was stop saying these words but then just kept coming. My dam of emotions opened and there was no stopping. I soon realized I have a bigger fish to fry. It was time I dealt with the beast within. My soulmate, my best friend, my husband doesn't deserve this. It's common relationships break. Joel took that nightly feeding, I went to bed early and cried myself to sleep. I woke up fresh and engergized ready to start again. I washed my face. I did one of those second takes. Feeling my face. Something didn't look right. I didn't "look" like me. The beast made an appearance and it was time to lock it down. As I brushed my teeth I promised myself I won't walk out of this bathroom the same. I need to get my life back. Joel deserves the same "Lauren" as Annabelle is getting. He was my rock.
And here we are two months later. Each day is a struggle. I continue to process each day. Chip a little away at the guilt of not being able to BF and having to supplement. It's not the end of the world. Annabelle is getting 1/2-3/4 of her diet BM. And each day I try to give Joel back the Lauren he met at the park that breezing summer afternoon.
Some days are harder than others. Some days are easier. It's all about education. And if there's one thing I hope this does is opens the door for one momma to know it's okay to ask for help. It's okay to fell down and scrape your knees. It all about the comeback story.
So like that one quiet morning brushing my teeth...as I walk my way to the top of the climb this morning...I'm promising myself one thing to stop beating myself up about the past. To let go of the guilt and the pain and stop taking it all out on Joel. It's time. It's simply just that time.
As we reach the longest day of summer this weekend please think of all the other mommas climbing today. We aren't nuts. We aren't asking for much...for me i just want a world with no judgment and no fear so other mommas can climb back without the fear of being judged of their actions that's uncontrollable. I hope you think of us all today. I am proud to be walking with one of three michigan groups today; first group for Lansing. I will be back! I will be back for Joel because he deserves it. I can't wait to reflect on this from a year from now as I drink my coffee getting ready for my second climb.
The coffees done. Time to tie my shoes and climb.
No shame. No fear. No judgement. XoXo.
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