Skip to main content

Baking soothes the soul

After one of my most stressful D-MER spells in weeks...I'm staying up late baking cookies. My "morning" self will hate me but my "me" self is loving it! Cheap therapy! 


Poor Annabelle. She means no harm. This little human is just fussy, hungry and doesn't understand why her mommy is in tears and her body is tense. Tears in my eyes looking down at my sweet baby girl,  trying to tell myself "breathe Lauren it's almost over" but it never ended. Milk kept coming down and emotions continued to flood my mind. Alone, staying focus on the end. Finally the end came and this sweet innocent baby is asleep on my chest. Then the guilt starts pouring in. Calling Joel freaking out. My endless thoughts that just flooded my mind. It's all clear now. The storm cleared and everything is calm again. How my body can do all this is besides me! Daily I look in the mirror and my body continues to surprise me! Our bodies are capable of so much and we never give them enough credit. I say my apologizes and kiss my baby's head and hope the beast doesn't return. Since returning to work my D-MER has calmed down. The weekends are the worst since I EBF but tonight I will ask for help and have Joel do the late night feeding. I've never been one to ask for help but these last few weeks I have to check myself and remind myself it's okay to ask for help. When you don't ask for help is when trouble is bound to happen. 


Last weekend we made the trip back to Mt. Clemens for Easter. I was very nervous. We did cloth the whole trip! We were going to do disposables but one dipe in and Annabelle already had a rash. So I packed up our cloth and away we went! Everytime I visit home I always get a new prospective on life. Holding Annabelle in the cry room of the Church I grew up in, a sense of peace came over me I've been longing for, for years. I've always been a strong believer everything happens for a reason but this last weekend is the trip I needed! Plus it's always fun showing Annabelle off! 


Everyday a new lesson is learned or sometimes it's a refresher to make sure you're on top of your game. Getting mad doesn't solve anything. It only makes matters worse and ruins relationships. It has put my marriage to the test along with other relationships in my life, there's no denying that.  But everynight we kiss goodnight and I know there is always tomorrow. Joel will always be by side no matter how ugly this beast gets. He loves me at my worse and I couldn't ask for a better life partner! For everyone else battling D-MER don't try to find a cure, find a happy middle. Find your happy place like in labor and just hold on for the ride. Make sure to always say thank you to your love ones and always say I love you through the tears. D-MER is NOT a hill to die on! 

Nurse on Mommas! 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Motherhood

After a weekend of birthday hustle and bustle I found myself judging. Judging this loving, caring, strong when she wants to me woman. I was judging me! I was staring at A's last pump of breast milk that has been waiting for her for months! Just sit in our freezer. Holding on to my love for cloth diapers because it's the one thing we planned that I didn't fail. But did I fail? A's bathed every night. She goes to bed full. Loving home. Warm house (when it wants to stay warm). House full of adventure and laugher.  Failure? I think not! I look back on this past year and I want to cry but images of beautiful moments flash- A's birth going as planned / A's first latch / A's final latch / Pumping at late hours of the night till it was best for my health to stop / Climbing for my life back / A crawling for the first time / all these firsts that didn't make it into the baby book.  I used to think I needed to be this cookie cutter mom. Scared of mistakes. Mistakes...
Post a Comment
Read more

Some things you just can't help.

I've been battling this decision for weeks. I want to provide all I can for Annabelle and give her all the best. Since ruling out a tonge tie we've been seeing a chiropractor. Her latches were getting better but the last few days her latches have just been getting lazier and lazier. I know she is going through a growth spurt and wanting to nurse every hour but this skin crawling feeling is making it a miserable time for us both. She just looks at me with her sparkling big blue eyes and I just cry. I want to continue this bond, relationship but my body physically can't take it. My skin is just so tender from my raynauds that I honestly don't think it's her, I think it's me  and that's what makes it so much harder for me. I never wanted my illness to effect her and I believe it is starting to. How do you tell myself "you've done all you can" and not beat myself up?!. There's so many benefits with breastfeeding but EP and not EBF...I don't...
Post a Comment
Read more

Those beauitful moments

Yesterday was a day filled with many ups and downs. A night full of tears and questions. I found myself looking at myself in the mirror, eyes red and puffing asking "Lauren what happened". Life is a scary beautiful mess. I remember going through my PPD counseling and my counselor asked if a new mom asked you one piece of advice what would it be. At first I thought she was nuts! What kind of question is this and why are we ending a rough session like this. She gave me a moment to think.   "Motherhood is scary. Motherhood is beautiful. It pushes you to limits you never thought you were capable of. In the mix of it all you may have that one long night or that one long week that everything seems like its never going end but hang on and make lemonade out of lemons ". Last night I found myself re-reading all my past blog posts and I came a crossed, Life after Baby #1. I found myself re-reading over and over again. Those same thoughts are my current fears, Baby #2. Each...
Post a Comment
Read more