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I am the little engine that could.

I wonder when the day will come and D-MER will be a thing in the past. Having to up our nursing sessions and pumping the last 24 hours..I can't imagine going 48 more hours like this! Sitting in Annabelle's room trying to squeeze out one last ounce, I am over come with so many emotions- anger, anxiety, fear, saddness. I find myself ripping my pump off and crying as my mind drifts into another world. A world of negativity. Supplementing is a bad dream that I'm scared will shortly become real life. Oh how it would just be easier to have my body back. Just to shake up a bottle of formula. Annabelle dropped weight and we need to get her up quickly. Resulting in a nurse vacation this weekend. Nursing pumping nursing pumping over and over. If we didn't have visitors this weekend I would probably be walking around topless. Some choose not to nurse, some don't have luck and others are not able to and by know means am I bashing those Mommas but for Joel and I this is what we want for Annabelle. But the most worst emotion ever is anger. 


Now that's talk about D-MER for a second shall we?!. It's new to the our world. Not that many people know about it. There's really no clue what causes it. Just brought up D-MER the other day and also got laughed out of their office. But it's real. It's not something that I just made up and decided to pull out of my magical diaper bag. Many women struggle with D-MER. Add that on top of breastfeeding which has its own obstacles at times...I honestly have know clue how I'm still going. Oh I know, my precious little girl. 


When I was pregnant everyone said "just wait, instincts will kick in and you'll just know things that you didn't think you knew". We are capable of so much and we never give each other enough credit. Especially Mommas. We are our own worst critic. Am I doing this right?!. Should I be doing that instead?!. I see "mommy a" doing this and "mommy b" doing that...which way is the "right" way. I have to constantly check myself and say it doesn't matter what Mommy A and Mommy B are doing...what matters is what I am doing for my family and for Annabelle. We are all our own individuals for a reason. To be unique in our own little way. 


Now everything is always so much easier said than done. I look at my pump bottles and feel like the little engine that could. This is only temporary and not forever. The weekends are my break from my pump and next weekend will come and maybe I'll be able to just nurse and maybe I won't?!. But this to shall pass. 


I've always been a runner. I shut down when things get hard. I sit back and watch the world from afar. Feeling defeated. It would just be easier to go to Meijer and buy a couple cans of formula. I wouldn't have to pump so much this weekend and Joel and I would be able to have a date night BUT then my milky angel chimes in and reminds me why I've kept going this long. 


Tonight on Facebook a photo came through my newsfeed of a mom fighting breast cancer. She had to delivered her baby early to recieve more treatments and her baby latched beautiful on her remaining breast. It was such a power, raw, beautiful photo. And here I am pulling my pump off like its on fire. We all need to STOP being so hard on other mommies but most importantly stop being so hard on ourselves. We are all just trying to do our best and that is our best! 

So nurse on Mommas. Nurse on! Or shake baby shake! 

We need to me a United front. We all are exhausted but we make our coffee, cover our dark circles and we start a new day! 


So here's to us! Taking a shower and regrouping because D-MER WILL NOT WIN! I will stop feeling defeated! I will be the little engine that could.

XoXo


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