Skip to main content

I am the little engine that could.

I wonder when the day will come and D-MER will be a thing in the past. Having to up our nursing sessions and pumping the last 24 hours..I can't imagine going 48 more hours like this! Sitting in Annabelle's room trying to squeeze out one last ounce, I am over come with so many emotions- anger, anxiety, fear, saddness. I find myself ripping my pump off and crying as my mind drifts into another world. A world of negativity. Supplementing is a bad dream that I'm scared will shortly become real life. Oh how it would just be easier to have my body back. Just to shake up a bottle of formula. Annabelle dropped weight and we need to get her up quickly. Resulting in a nurse vacation this weekend. Nursing pumping nursing pumping over and over. If we didn't have visitors this weekend I would probably be walking around topless. Some choose not to nurse, some don't have luck and others are not able to and by know means am I bashing those Mommas but for Joel and I this is what we want for Annabelle. But the most worst emotion ever is anger. 


Now that's talk about D-MER for a second shall we?!. It's new to the our world. Not that many people know about it. There's really no clue what causes it. Just brought up D-MER the other day and also got laughed out of their office. But it's real. It's not something that I just made up and decided to pull out of my magical diaper bag. Many women struggle with D-MER. Add that on top of breastfeeding which has its own obstacles at times...I honestly have know clue how I'm still going. Oh I know, my precious little girl. 


When I was pregnant everyone said "just wait, instincts will kick in and you'll just know things that you didn't think you knew". We are capable of so much and we never give each other enough credit. Especially Mommas. We are our own worst critic. Am I doing this right?!. Should I be doing that instead?!. I see "mommy a" doing this and "mommy b" doing that...which way is the "right" way. I have to constantly check myself and say it doesn't matter what Mommy A and Mommy B are doing...what matters is what I am doing for my family and for Annabelle. We are all our own individuals for a reason. To be unique in our own little way. 


Now everything is always so much easier said than done. I look at my pump bottles and feel like the little engine that could. This is only temporary and not forever. The weekends are my break from my pump and next weekend will come and maybe I'll be able to just nurse and maybe I won't?!. But this to shall pass. 


I've always been a runner. I shut down when things get hard. I sit back and watch the world from afar. Feeling defeated. It would just be easier to go to Meijer and buy a couple cans of formula. I wouldn't have to pump so much this weekend and Joel and I would be able to have a date night BUT then my milky angel chimes in and reminds me why I've kept going this long. 


Tonight on Facebook a photo came through my newsfeed of a mom fighting breast cancer. She had to delivered her baby early to recieve more treatments and her baby latched beautiful on her remaining breast. It was such a power, raw, beautiful photo. And here I am pulling my pump off like its on fire. We all need to STOP being so hard on other mommies but most importantly stop being so hard on ourselves. We are all just trying to do our best and that is our best! 

So nurse on Mommas. Nurse on! Or shake baby shake! 

We need to me a United front. We all are exhausted but we make our coffee, cover our dark circles and we start a new day! 


So here's to us! Taking a shower and regrouping because D-MER WILL NOT WIN! I will stop feeling defeated! I will be the little engine that could.

XoXo


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Motherhood

After a weekend of birthday hustle and bustle I found myself judging. Judging this loving, caring, strong when she wants to me woman. I was judging me! I was staring at A's last pump of breast milk that has been waiting for her for months! Just sit in our freezer. Holding on to my love for cloth diapers because it's the one thing we planned that I didn't fail. But did I fail? A's bathed every night. She goes to bed full. Loving home. Warm house (when it wants to stay warm). House full of adventure and laugher.  Failure? I think not! I look back on this past year and I want to cry but images of beautiful moments flash- A's birth going as planned / A's first latch / A's final latch / Pumping at late hours of the night till it was best for my health to stop / Climbing for my life back / A crawling for the first time / all these firsts that didn't make it into the baby book.  I used to think I needed to be this cookie cutter mom. Scared of mistakes. Mistakes...
Post a Comment
Read more

Some things you just can't help.

I've been battling this decision for weeks. I want to provide all I can for Annabelle and give her all the best. Since ruling out a tonge tie we've been seeing a chiropractor. Her latches were getting better but the last few days her latches have just been getting lazier and lazier. I know she is going through a growth spurt and wanting to nurse every hour but this skin crawling feeling is making it a miserable time for us both. She just looks at me with her sparkling big blue eyes and I just cry. I want to continue this bond, relationship but my body physically can't take it. My skin is just so tender from my raynauds that I honestly don't think it's her, I think it's me  and that's what makes it so much harder for me. I never wanted my illness to effect her and I believe it is starting to. How do you tell myself "you've done all you can" and not beat myself up?!. There's so many benefits with breastfeeding but EP and not EBF...I don't...
Post a Comment
Read more

Those beauitful moments

Yesterday was a day filled with many ups and downs. A night full of tears and questions. I found myself looking at myself in the mirror, eyes red and puffing asking "Lauren what happened". Life is a scary beautiful mess. I remember going through my PPD counseling and my counselor asked if a new mom asked you one piece of advice what would it be. At first I thought she was nuts! What kind of question is this and why are we ending a rough session like this. She gave me a moment to think.   "Motherhood is scary. Motherhood is beautiful. It pushes you to limits you never thought you were capable of. In the mix of it all you may have that one long night or that one long week that everything seems like its never going end but hang on and make lemonade out of lemons ". Last night I found myself re-reading all my past blog posts and I came a crossed, Life after Baby #1. I found myself re-reading over and over again. Those same thoughts are my current fears, Baby #2. Each...
Post a Comment
Read more