Some things you just can't help.

I've been battling this decision for weeks. I want to provide all I can for Annabelle and give her all the best. Since ruling out a tonge tie we've been seeing a chiropractor. Her latches were getting better but the last few days her latches have just been getting lazier and lazier. I know she is going through a growth spurt and wanting to nurse every hour but this skin crawling feeling is making it a miserable time for us both. She just looks at me with her sparkling big blue eyes and I just cry. I want to continue this bond, relationship but my body physically can't take it. My skin is just so tender from my raynauds that I honestly don't think it's her, I think it's me and that's what makes it so much harder for me. I never wanted my illness to effect her and I believe it is starting to. How do you tell myself "you've done all you can" and not beat myself up?!. There's so many benefits with breastfeeding but EP and not EBF...I don't know if I can have a fulltime relationship with a pump. With returning to work I was still looking forward to coming home and nursing at night. This decision isn't one I'm taking lightly. I honestly don't know what to do. There's no one "right" answer.

Today we received our Fuzzibunz pockets in the mail today. Oh my word! The sizing is sooo stressful!! I think I finally have it down! Def not a diaper if your clothing more than one kiddo.

Today while having some floor time, I got a few smiles out of Annabelle. My heart just melted! It wasn't gas. It was the real thing. She is getting bigger and bigger everyday. I go back to work in two weeks. Time can slow down and I wouldn't be sad about it!

Annabelle is up. Duty calls.

Don't let the bed bugs bite...XoXo

Comments

Those beauitful moments

Yesterday was a day filled with many ups and downs. A night full of tears and questions. I found myself looking at myself in the mirror, eyes red and puffing asking "Lauren what happened". Life is a scary beautiful mess. I remember going through my PPD counseling and my counselor asked if a new mom asked you one piece of advice what would it be. At first I thought she was nuts! What kind of question is this and why are we ending a rough session like this. She gave me a moment to think. "Motherhood is scary. Motherhood is beautiful. It pushes you to limits you never thought you were capable of. In the mix of it all you may have that one long night or that one long week that everything seems like its never going end but hang on and make lemonade out of lemons ". Last night I found myself re-reading all my past blog posts and I came a crossed, Life after Baby #1. I found myself re-reading over and over again. Those same thoughts are my current fears, Baby #2. Each

The SAD truth

When I threw my rock at The Climb, I knew it was going to take a lot more than just throwing a rock into the water. It was going to take hard work, blood, sweat and tears. The sad truth, it's time to let breastfeeding go. It has fueled sadness, anger, happiness. What I wouldn't do to go back to waking up every two hours nursing her. To feel that successful latch again. But that is not where we are anymore and that is okay too. So to the Mommas that miss that latch, I support you. To the Mommas pumping every two hours to only get 5 ML, I support you. To the Mommas crying as they make a formula bottle (many Harvard graduates were formula fed babies), I support you. To the Mommas that "need" their body back, I support you. The one thing I take away from all this is the experience. It's been a painful joy and I wouldn't change any minute of it. To my pumpling , momma thanks you baby girl. Next Thursday will mark our six month breastfeeding journey. I reached tw

Ten fingers. Ten toes

As I rock this precious kiddo to sleep, I am overwhelmed. Everyone asks when's the next little Frederick?! My favorite is "your NOT on birth control?"- no, no sir I'm not. See almost eight years ago I was blessed with a lovely horrible no good UTI for almost two months, leaving in its track trauma and vulvodynia that can not be fixed by a simple pill or surgery. I remember when I first heard "Lauren, I'm sorry but sex will always be painful". The look on my doctors face was basically- best of luck sweetheart! I was in my early 20's. Sex? Painful? Dear lord I'm only 20! I want a big family, huge house and this doctor just told me that? For years I tried therapies and different techniques. After years of wondering what kind of man would love a woman that couldn't provide a physical need all humans need. I mean come on? We're adults, it's a need we all need as humans. What am I going to do? What man would ever love a woman that can't

Motherhood is a beautiful crazy ride

Search This Blog