Oh life after baby. There can be a billion YouTube videos, books falling of the shelf but nothing will compare to hands on baby.
Life after breastfeeding! It's strange. At times I look at Joel and feel like I should be doing something. Pumping, washing pumping parts, getting my pump bag for the next day. Extra time. It's odd. It's bittersweet nice.
Funny when you "let go" how much weight is lifted. Coming to terms and making the hardest decision was secretly the best decision for my family, for my health, for me. I rarely like to put myself before others but I knew this was something I needed to do, on my terms. I remember a good friend saying with love "that's all you get?" "I didn't realize". I thought that was the only way. I'm A's mom, I'm suppose to provide for her. But you can't measure your love in ounces. You measure by a clean baby, a full belly and laughter that fills the house! Oh how I live for the laughs between A and Joel. My Prince Charming. He could of walked away. Many husbands/partners do when the beast gets so ugly but not Joel. He got all the mean words, all the worlds crap and I can't thank him enough for loving me through my ugliest. "Life partner" gets a whole new meaning.
Baby number two came up in conversation and for the first time in a month I had a panic attack. Came and went quickly. For the first time I was able to control those emotions. I didn't shut down nor end in tears. Instead I was able to work through and talk it out. It was a very simple-short conversation that will be revisited next year but then fears filled my mind.
Will number 2 be the same?!. Worse?!. Can I handle the beast again?!. Am I strong enough for number 2?!. But then I had a flashback of my favorite memory of A's birth. It's of my mom coming in when Joel was out in the waiting room and I had them take A out for a second because we wanted everyone to meet A at the same time. I'm still numb...things are a blur and then my mom walks in. It was just me, her and a nurse. She was a breath of fresh air. She leans in to kiss my forehead, gives me a hug and says "I'm proud of you". That was my life proud moment. Graduating college, getting a new job; nothing compares to becoming a parent. Birth or adoption. It's a very rewarding moment. Tonight I smelled that fresh air again.
Life has its way of coming full circle. Tonight I couldn't just help but look at a Sleepy A and just smile. Ear to ear.
I overcame PPD and D-mer. I did not give up. My only hope is for more research to be done for D-mER. Maybe I would of kept pumping. Maybe not?!. There's really know way of knowing. No rhyme or reason. It's not PPD related (everyone thinks it's the same thing). There needs to be more education. More awareness. I'm glad PPD is getting more awareness and there's more talk beyond the textbook definition.
For Mommas out there looking at their beast dead on, don't give up. Ask for help. Take time and know there is light a the end of the tunnel, it's just a little dark right now. For me, writing helped a ton! This blog turned from cloth diapers to life.
Now my next mission, mommy friends :) it's a scary world out there! I feel like it's a first day of school all over again. I have friends but it's time for mommy friends- wish me luck.
You're doing good momma, I promise. Support crew- you are doing the best you can do and although is doesn't seem like it, know your love doesn't go unnoticed.
Rest easy, xoxo
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