Motherhood is a beautiful crazy ride

Oh life after baby. There can be a billion YouTube videos, books falling of the shelf but nothing will compare to hands on baby.  Life after breastfeeding! It's strange. At times I look at Joel and feel like I should be doing something. Pumping, washing pumping parts, getting my pump bag for the next day. Extra time. It's odd. It's bittersweet nice.  Funny when you "let go" how much weight is lifted. Coming to terms and making the hardest decision was secretly the best decision for my family, for my health, for me. I rarely like to put myself before others but I knew this was something I needed to do, on my terms. I remember a good friend saying with love "that's all you get?" "I didn't realize". I thought that was the only way. I'm A's mom, I'm suppose to provide for her. But you can't measure  your love in ounces.   You measure by a clean baby, a full belly and laughter that fills the house! Oh how I live for the laugh...

For the last six months never once have I said "I'm proud". Tonight I'm screaming it from the mountain tops. For nine months I read breastfeeding books, articles, tips. I felt like I knew what I was doing before our first latch. I had the birth I wanted. The latch I waited for. Then life of raising a newborn happened. If you've been following you know our struggles, our successes, our bittersweet moments.  Tonight I saw my daughter chow down on a Milksicle and I wanted to cry tears of joy. She was so excited, satisfied. I missed her "breastfeed" face but as I was getting ready for bed I thought has her "face" really changed. She's growing. Laughing. Scooting. Cooing. Hitting all her development stages. I will be the first to admit nine months away I would of judged a mom shaking a bottle...fast forward it makes me sad. How dare I. Maybe that momma had the same struggles as me. Maybe she couldn't even produce 10ml's. So to those Momm...

When I threw my rock at The Climb, I knew it was going to take a lot more than just throwing a rock into the water. It was going to take hard work, blood, sweat and tears. The sad truth, it's time to let breastfeeding go. It has fueled sadness, anger, happiness. What I wouldn't do to go back to waking up every two hours nursing her. To feel that successful latch again. But that is not where we are anymore and that is okay too. So to the Mommas that miss that latch, I support you. To the Mommas pumping every two hours to only get 5 ML, I support you. To the Mommas crying as they make a formula bottle (many Harvard graduates were formula fed babies), I support you. To the Mommas that "need" their body back, I support you.    The one thing I take away from all this is the experience. It's been a painful joy and I wouldn't change any minute of it. To my pumpling , momma thanks you baby girl. Next Thursday will mark our six month breastfeeding journey. I reached tw...

It's a quiet morning. Breeze coming through. House making its normal noises. Jumping at the drops of the ice trying not to wake the snoring beast on my chest. Phones at 17%. We are due to leave for Lansing in two hours.  A rush of warmth comes over me and I flash back to January 16th, 12:31am.  A rush of warmth came over me and as I walked to the bathroom my water broke and I knew it's game time. I put my game face on and went in to wake Joel up. Got dressed and went in to wake up my parents. The look on my moms face will never leave my memory. She was so happy. Giving me a hug as we walked out the door. January 16, 2015 at 12:29pm Annabelle Rose made her grand enterance into the world. At 12pm in tears I look at Joel after two hours of pushing. I could slowly fell my body shutting down. "I can't, I can't do this" "I just can't take this anymore"- "Lauren Push! You got this..you can do this!". From day one Joel stood by my side. He came...

(To some this photo would just be 4 ounces of Breastmilk but to me it shows my lazy breast is now just 10 ML shy of the other so under suppliers DON'T give up!!! With dedication anything is possible!)  A week ago I was hooked up to my trusty pump around the clock. A's going through her fourth month growth spurt following her tongue tie clip. All I wanted her to do was latch and all she wanted to eat. Due to A's TT my supply tanked! Along with my D-MER it was best to put nursing on pause. We are now up to one nurse a day. Nighttime comfort nursing. Following her WC, our LC thought it was best we supplement. We were able to get her weight up but than she plateau and my body is having a hard time producing more than 22 ounces a day and she needs 27-29 ounces a day. Joel's been in Dearborn finishing up his last week of training so luckily I had my mom to hold my hand. Each step closer to the cashier the hard it was to keep myself together. Crying over a can of formula. Is t...

Oh my precious baby girl. Just as soon as I think we have it worked out something else gets thrown into the mix. You continue to push and test every fiber in my body. I think I beat Annabelle on who could cry harder tonight. We are going through our four month growth spurt. I've been pumping every hour and half with little output. Friday we went to Ann Arbor and got her tongue tie clipped. She latched right away! First time in two weeks. When we got home we followed it up with a full nurse! She hasn't been able to empty my breast in a very long time! Baby steps. Rest of the weekend she's been running the show and I've been pumping. We had to get into our donor stash. Our liquid gold is quickly disappearing. Every drop of donor is worth millions!  More stressiors have entered into the mix questioning can I continue to EP and work. Finding the time to really sit down and pump is taking longer and longer. 30 mins each session is harder to find. Trying to cut finances wher...

The hardest decisions are the ones you don't want to make. It's important to continue to remind yourself this is bigger than you and you have to think about the little human that's depending on you. You have to put your feelings aside and look at the bigger picture to see what's more important. My D-MER spells the last 72 hours have been horrible. On top of other stressors...aren't making matters easier! Annabelle's been on strike since returning to work and her high pallet isn't helping; resulting in dropping weight. I just had this feeling that we need to schedule a weight check and I'm so glad I did. All this has taken its toll. Last night after a spell I had to put Annabelle down and realize it's time to make the toughest decision yet! It's not fair to her and it's not fair to me. I will now be pumping exclusively. We have to supplement to get her calorie intake up . I've always been a planner but it's important to Annabelle that ...