My love letter to Motherhood.

                                           Our life is made up of a 7 letter word :: c-h-o-i-c-e-s

Do we go left or do we go right - long way to work or short way. As a mom I am faced with not only my own daily choices but choices on behalf of Lincoln and Annabelle. Choices are our foundation to the next choice we make. One foot in front of the other, that is the choice I made and continue to make. I was face with a choice to let my situation define me or choose to make the best of the situation and come out on the other side, write my own ending and not let it define me.

When I got married, I made the choice for sickness and in health, richer or for poorer. My choices became Joel’s and Joel’s became mine. He didn’t have to let my highs and lows become his but he did. Even when it was not easy, on nights when my PPD reached its highest. he chose to stand by me even if at the time we both had no idea what was happening.

"You da best mommy! Beautiful Mommy"

It was a fall night in September and my mom and I just got back from a parade in Allegan. I was miserable. Life reached its highest high and its lowest low. I looked at myself in the mirror and made a choice. I didn't like the person looking back at me. I had an excuse for everything. Do I run or do I stand and face this head on.

When we got married not too much changed but just enough that we had to learn each other all over again. I couldn’t leave and go back to my apartment and call Joel in the morning. We had to look our arguments in the eye and work through them. When we began parents, we had to learn our new normal and when my PPD beast came to a head, we handled it together and learned my new normal.

I remember my counselor asking before ending one of my sessions, “Lauren if you could tell a first time mom anything from your journey so far not only PPD related but mom related what would it be”. I said the textbook “it’s scary, beautiful and exhausting but beautiful” (it’s foggy but something similar). I then hesitated and tears began running down my face, I added “and...to continue to put one foot in front of the other even on the bad days”. So on that September night when I was starring at my ceiling figuring out how to deal with life and all the curve balls it was throwing our way, it was a no-brainer. I chose to put one foot in front of the other, take day by day and let the future work it’s self when we got there.

I’ve said it many times so far this year, 2018 is a year of rebuild. Marriage takes work, it’s not easy. With the jobs we have it can take a toll on areas in our life that we never knew could. Our jobs continue to force us to refocus on what is most important in life, family but also ourselves. In order to be the best possible human being you first have to take care of yourself so I chose to take care of myself.

I picked up my keys and I drove to the gym and signed up for a membership. There are days I stay home and wish I went, went and wish I stayed home but mostly there are days I leave it all on those machines. It’s therapy. I turn on my music and I process all emotions and thoughts swimming through my brain. And soon it became a way of life. I not only saw pounds decreasing on the scale but a saw a mentally healthier 2.0 self.

We all have choices to make. I had a choice 3 years ago not to begin to share my story but I chose if sharing my story gave a mom support in knowing she’s not alone, not crazy then I am going to continue to share my struggles, my highest highs, and my lowest lows.It's also helpful for my own processing.

A few days ago I found myself looking around our house and my chest became tight. Tears started to fall. The beast returned to say hello. The beauty of motherhood is you are forever in postpartum. My PPD with Annabelle came on slow till I realized what was happening. It will always be apart of me. Instead of fearing its return with Lincoln, I chose to welcome it with open arms. There are times post Lincoln I can feel the rage. And I give it just enough attention to help ground me. I then make the choice am I going to spend the rest of my day in that rage, emotional roller coaster, anxiety episode or am I going to lock it down and put one foot in front of another. There are mornings I don't want to get out of bed and days I'm up before my 5:30 alarm. Routine. I have found post postpartum, routine is important. The last last two weeks, I've been slacking and beginning to see warning signs.

The beauty of PPD is I found a new beautiful stronger self whether I believe it or not. My promise on this Mother's Day to my children, I will continue to put myself and my health first in order to be the best possible mother for them but also the best possible human for me. Mommas, PPD or not...we all lose a sense of self at some point- 1 year, 5 years, 20 years. It's normal. Don't fight it, embrace it.

Thank you sweet babies for giving me the greatest gift

We all have a story to tell and that is my Part 1 of the year of rebuild. What choice are you going to make today? A good one, bad one? Apply for that Masters program you wish you would of started years ago, go back to school to finish your undergrad, read a book, go for a walk? I recommend something positive, something that fills your heart and feeds your soul. It’s not about changing the past, it’s about taking the steps to change the here and now and the rest falls into place when it’s ready.

We all have choices. So.... what is yours?! Much love and God bless.