Motherhood is a beautiful crazy ride

Yesterday was a day filled with many ups and downs. A night full of tears and questions. I found myself looking at myself in the mirror, eyes red and puffing asking "Lauren what happened". Life is a scary beautiful mess. I remember going through my PPD counseling and my counselor asked if a new mom asked you one piece of advice what would it be. At first I thought she was nuts! What kind of question is this and why are we ending a rough session like this. She gave me a moment to think.   "Motherhood is scary. Motherhood is beautiful. It pushes you to limits you never thought you were capable of. In the mix of it all you may have that one long night or that one long week that everything seems like its never going end but hang on and make lemonade out of lemons ". Last night I found myself re-reading all my past blog posts and I came a crossed, Life after Baby #1. I found myself re-reading over and over again. Those same thoughts are my current fears, Baby #2. Each

As I rock this precious kiddo to sleep, I am overwhelmed. Everyone asks when's the next little Frederick?! My favorite is "your NOT on birth control?"- no, no sir I'm not. See almost eight years ago I was blessed with a lovely horrible no good UTI for almost two months, leaving in its track trauma and vulvodynia that can not be fixed by a simple pill or surgery. I remember when I first heard "Lauren, I'm sorry but sex will always be painful". The look on my doctors face was basically- best of luck sweetheart! I was in my early 20's. Sex? Painful? Dear lord I'm only 20! I want a big family, huge house and this doctor just told me that? For years I tried therapies and different techniques. After years of wondering what kind of man would love a woman that couldn't provide a physical need all humans need. I mean come on? We're adults, it's a need we all need as humans. What am I going to do? What man would ever love a woman that can't

After a weekend of birthday hustle and bustle I found myself judging. Judging this loving, caring, strong when she wants to me woman. I was judging me! I was staring at A's last pump of breast milk that has been waiting for her for months! Just sit in our freezer. Holding on to my love for cloth diapers because it's the one thing we planned that I didn't fail. But did I fail? A's bathed every night. She goes to bed full. Loving home. Warm house (when it wants to stay warm). House full of adventure and laugher.  Failure? I think not! I look back on this past year and I want to cry but images of beautiful moments flash- A's birth going as planned / A's first latch / A's final latch / Pumping at late hours of the night till it was best for my health to stop / Climbing for my life back / A crawling for the first time / all these firsts that didn't make it into the baby book.  I used to think I needed to be this cookie cutter mom. Scared of mistakes. Mistakes

Boy! Has it been some time.  As I hold a snoring A, I look around the living room full of toys and just smile! For once I'm not rushing to clean up after A, folding laundry or vacuuming. I'm just reflecting.  2015 was full of change, highs, and lows. I added mom to my title. Becoming a mom is a feeling I can't begin to put into words. This little human depends on me. Doesn't matter how many mistakes I make, she still loves me.  I learned it's okay to ask for help. It's not about becoming the person I once was but become a better healthier verision of myself. Once I gave in and asked for help, a weight was lifted and PPD lost power.  For 2016 it's not about dropping pounds or trying diet plans. It's about making time for myself! I can't be the best wife, daughter, MOM if I don't take care of myself!  Wishing everyone a happy and healthy 2016.