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Those beauitful moments

Yesterday was a day filled with many ups and downs. A night full of tears and questions. I found myself looking at myself in the mirror, eyes red and puffing asking "Lauren what happened". Life is a scary beautiful mess. I remember going through my PPD counseling and my counselor asked if a new mom asked you one piece of advice what would it be. At first I thought she was nuts! What kind of question is this and why are we ending a rough session like this. She gave me a moment to think.
 "Motherhood is scary. Motherhood is beautiful. It pushes you to limits you never thought you were capable of. In the mix of it all you may have that one long night or that one long week that everything seems like its never going end but hang on and make lemonade out of lemons".
Last night I found myself re-reading all my past blog posts and I came a crossed, Life after Baby #1. I found myself re-reading over and over again. Those same thoughts are my current fears, Baby #2. Each baby is different from the next. I continue to have multiple dating sessions with my toilet. My morning sickness with Annabelle was bad but this one is HORRIBLE and that's an under statement. But D-MER, PPD. the ugly beast. Now I know what everyone is thinking, you can't fear the unknown but from past experiences it helps fuel some "survival" tips. Joel and I have already had the discussion of breastfeeding. What that will look like, be like. Do I even want to breastfeed baby #2. Becoming a mom and battling PPD put my marriage to the test. Marriage is hard work. Day after day your vows are tested. You can't just quit when the going gets tough. Joel stood by me when he had no clue what was going on, I stood by him. When two people love each other beautiful things happens and those vows are what you hang onto at those darkest, scariest moments.

After last night I woke up this morning asking myself "Lauren what are you going to do today, what are you going to change and what are you going to FORGET". The game of forget, it's a tricky game. I found myself last night saying "I miss my life before PPD" but what was that life? I love being a mom, a wife and everything since. Do I feel it took a piece of me and changed me into a person I wasn't ready for? Sure but PPD isn't me and it doesn't define who I am and what I cam capable of. I grew up in the Church. Every Sunday and Wednesday it was like clockwork. I knew where I was going and what I was doing. I met some amazing people, some becoming lifelong friends. Driving into work I turned off my radio and for my 45 minutes I prayed for the first time in years. I drove in silence. It was peaceful. I pulled into my normal parking spot and before I got out, I let out one last big cry. I prayed for the first time in years and it was so emotional. Life is knocking really loud at my front door and it's up to me to answer it. Continue putting one foot in front of the other and taking each day as it comes. Planning for the future, life after Baby 2, all that can wait a bit. For right now it's time I finally put into action the words I have been typing to myself, it's time to live in the moment.

XoXo


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