Motherhood is a beautiful crazy ride

The hardest decisions are the ones you don't want to make. It's important to continue to remind yourself this is bigger than you and you have to think about the little human that's depending on you. You have to put your feelings aside and look at the bigger picture to see what's more important. My D-MER spells the last 72 hours have been horrible. On top of other stressors...aren't making matters easier! Annabelle's been on strike since returning to work and her high pallet isn't helping; resulting in dropping weight. I just had this feeling that we need to schedule a weight check and I'm so glad I did. All this has taken its toll. Last night after a spell I had to put Annabelle down and realize it's time to make the toughest decision yet! It's not fair to her and it's not fair to me. I will now be pumping exclusively. We have to supplement to get her calorie intake up . I've always been a planner but it's important to Annabelle that ...

I wonder when the day will come and D-MER will be a thing in the past. Having to up our nursing sessions and pumping the last 24 hours..I can't imagine going 48 more hours like this! Sitting in Annabelle's room trying to squeeze out one last ounce, I am over come with so many emotions- anger, anxiety, fear, saddness. I find myself ripping my pump off and crying as my mind drifts into another world. A world of negativity. Supplementing is a bad dream that I'm scared will  shortly become real life. Oh how it would just be easier to have my body back. Just to shake up a bottle of formula. Annabelle dropped weight and we need to get her up quickly. Resulting in a nurse vacation this weekend. Nursing pumping nursing pumping over and over. If we didn't have visitors this weekend I would probably be walking around topless. Some choose not to nurse, some don't have luck and others are not able to and by know means am I bashing those Mommas  but for Joel and I this is what w...

After one of my most stressful D-MER spells in weeks ...I'm staying up late baking cookies. My "morning" self will hate me but my "me" self is loving it! Cheap therapy!  Poor Annabelle. She means no harm. This little human is just fussy, hungry and doesn't understand why her mommy is in tears and her body is tense. Tears in my eyes looking down at my sweet baby girl,  trying to tell myself "breathe Lauren it's almost over" but it never ended. Milk kept coming down and emotions continued to flood my mind. Alone, staying focus on the end. Finally the end came and this sweet innocent baby is asleep on my chest. Then the guilt starts pouring in. Calling Joel freaking out. My endless thoughts that just flooded my mind. It's all clear now. The storm cleared and everything is calm again. How my body can do all this is besides me! Daily I look in the mirror and my body continues to surprise me! Our bodies are capable of so much and we never give t...